The Fear
by PetitJ
Summary: "It's scary, though. I don't know what's gonna happen or if he's gonna stick around."He said she should mix lies with truth if she wanted to look believable, and she really did. She was totally honest when she said that to Marie. Yes, their story was somehow romantic, something taken from a Jane Austen novel even, but the truth was that she was afraid. Little spoilers to 7x02


Hello everyone! Petit-J here. You might know me better thanks to my The Mentalist fanarts but I've been writing in Spanish for this show for a long time. So this is NOT my first ride but it's indeed my first fanfiction written completely in English. I hope you like it!

This is for my lovely Bess (Wldwmn) for being my beta and the best friend I've found thanks to this show

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><p><span><strong>The Fear<strong>

"_It's scary, though. I don't know what's gonna happen or if he's gonna stick around."_

He said she should mix lies with truth if she wanted to look believable, and she really did. She was totally honest when she said that to Marie. Yes, their story was somehow romantic, something taken from a Jane Austen novel even, but the truth was that she was afraid.

She wasn't kidding when she admitted she loved Jane and she didn't have any doubt of his feelings for her. However, she couldn't deny something really important lingering in his personality. She didn't know if it was a carnie thing or something, but Jane was a runner. Sometimes he disappeared because he had to, like when he was in Venezuela, or because he felt he had to, like that time in Las Vegas, or when he withdrew himself, like when she started her relationship with Marcus, but he always was wandering somewhere else very far away from her. He came back eventually, but the heartbreak she had all those times was something she didn't want to feel again.

He hugged her in his sleep, and even if she was as close she could be with him, she was still scared of him vanishing. As if all of this was too good to be true. She didn't care if he didn't have a plan or if things were still the same in 30 years, she only wanted to be sure he wasn't running away again, because she was sure she wouldn't be able to cope with it this time.

Lisbon sighed and cuddled a bit more. She was thinking too much about something she just couldn't know for sure. She'd already willingly taken the risk, and she had to deal with it.

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><p>When he proposed, she thought she was dreaming. Of course he had to ask her if she wanted to be his wife in the most flashy (and yet romantic) way possible. Despite herself, she cried and nearly choked when she said yes.<p>

That night they made love, celebrating their engagement. Of course it wasn't their first time together, but somehow it felt different. Their relationship finally felt like something tangible for both of them. Some of the doubts lingering the back of their minds were gone… and it seemed they were getting their happy ending at last.

However, once she had some time alone the next day, she looked at her beautiful emerald ring and wondered if he was indeed ready. As she was afraid of him running away, she also sometimes caught him looking at her as if she was to disappear out of this world at any moment. Her job at the FBI didn't help him with that; she was always taking risks and that possibility was real. He started to hint at the idea of an early retirement. Certainly, she was tired and wanted to enjoy her life with him fully - but she just wasn't sure she wanted to give up the job.

Would he break their engagement for something like that? He wasn't that kind of guy, but it added some extra pressure to their relationship for sure. The fear was there again: would he stick around whatever decision she made?

She hoped so. She really did.

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><p>Their song was playing. Her past self would have thought it was unbelievable that she had a song with Jane, but now there she was dancing with him at their wedding, white dress and all. It wasn't a big ceremony or reception, but everyone they loved and cared about was there so it was enough.<p>

-Feeling weird about being my wife?- he whispered in her ear.

Lisbon smiled. -Not yet. Depends on if you pull a trick or something and I have to intervene as my new role dictates.-

-Meh, you've been doing it years before you had the honor.-

-Yes, I have and I wouldn't have it in another way.-

-Same here.-

They kept dancing for a while, lightly bantering like they were the only people in the small room. They didn't think about their friends taking pictures, or the rest of the couples joining them on the tiny dance floor. As always, it was only the two of them.

It was kind of frightening, though. For years she'd tried not to depend on anyone and now there she was, admitting to the entire world she couldn't live without this man. She understood Jane's sorrow over Angela's death better now. She couldn't even imagine how her life would be without him. It wasn't about dependency; it was pure love and filling the lonely spaces of her heart. Simple as that.

Suddenly, Jane's hold got tighter and she could sense that something very similar was passing through his mind. Loss was always a possibility and always something to fear, but they weren't alone at that at least. They had each other and, after all, she wouldn't trade this moment for anything just because she was scared. It was precious… and honestly, even if someday they got separated, she would always have this day to remember even in her darkest moments.

A perfect memory.

The true face of happiness.

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><p>When she told him, she was almost shaking. She has been scared lots of times in her life, but this time it was almost unbearable. The uncertainty was a terrible thing.<p>

He just stared at her, open eyes, no words coming out of his mouth. Even if it was bad, she would have given anything for him to just say something. Was he sad? Was he mad? They weren't explicitly planning for it. Yes, they had some chats about it but it was more wishful thinking than anything else. The idea of having a child was just that, an idea. Something nice to think about, but very far away from reality.

-Maybe you need some time alone- she said. -I'll be out for a few hours. You can call me whenever you feel like you're ready to talk about it.-

She walked to the door and grabbed her keys. That was it. He was drifting away again and letting her go. However, this time she couldn't be mad at him for it. She understood. She really did. Now she was scared as hell, too. She wasn't young, though now it was more common to have a baby at her age. But it didn't matter if you were 21 or 41, the fact you were carrying something so precious and yet so fragile was terrifying. She was very aware (thanks to him) how devastating losing a child could be, and even if he liked to say she was the stronger of the two of them… she was sure she wouldn't be able to handle it.

Still, she wanted this and in the worst case scenario, she would carry on whatever he wanted or…

He didn't say anything to make her stay; instead, he just took her hand and turned her around to wind up in his arms.

-That's some bone crushing hug coming from such a weak man,- she teased, even if she was tearing up a little. He laughed in her shoulder.

-Let's hope Junior gets your muscles. He or she can get my brains instead.-

That was enough to reassure her that he was in this with her fully.

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><p>She had been like a mother before with her brothers, but this was definitely something new. She could deal with trivial fights and bumps on the head. But being a mother who is pregnant was really something else. She had to be careful with herself, actually eat in her lunch hours and get plenty of rest. She had to go to her doctor appointments and take vitamins. Definitely, she was out of her comfort zone.<p>

Luckily she had Patrick. He was so caring and attentive that at times she felt a bit overwhelmed. He didn't act towards her just as though she was the woman carrying his child; he was nice to her because he really loved her AND she was carrying his child. She never doubted the love he professed for her, but she never thought it possible that he could be even nicer.

As she lay down on their couch, feeling like crap since she discovered morning sickness could last into the afternoon and the night too, she saw him cooking something light for her. If he was just worried about the baby, he would just buy some yogurt and Gatorade. However, he checked some recipes online and asked her which one looked tastiest to her. When she told him she could just have the damn yogurt and Gatorade, he smiled, told her not to be grumpy and ask away for something.

She cried a little, partly because the hormones were making her feel like an emotional wreck, but mostly because he was so damn nice! She thought how different it might be if Marcus was filling the role of Patrick right now in her life. She frowned. He would totally get the yogurt and the Gatorade, instead of making the salad with cut-up chicken.

She stood up and walked to the kitchen. While he was cutting the lettuce, she put her arms around him and kissed his shoulder. He was surprised, and even more so when she whispered:

"Thanks for sticking around."

How silly she was. Of course he would. Always.

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><p>After everything that had happened to him, for a while he thought he was almost bullet proof (literally and metaphorically speaking). He already suffered all he had to in a lifetime, surely; however, now he was paying again for his overconfidence. No matter how much Cho, the Rigsbys and Abbott assured him he couldn't have known, he was still blaming himself for Teresa's condition. He knew she had high blood pressure, he should have known something bad was going to happen. Yet still, he was as surprised as her when she started to have unexplainable headaches. That should have been the red flag, not when her vision started to blurry and she felt some pain in the side of her tummy.<p>

Once they got to the hospital, the doctor said it was preeclampsia and that it was not uncommon for someone Teresa's age to have it. Luckily, it was in a very early stage and since she was in the middle of her nine month of pregnancy, they could easily take the baby out without causing any harm. Plus, it was the only way she would get better. Even though the doctor was optimistic, Jane was still worried sick. When Cho arrived to see how it was going, Jane asked him to check online about her condition. He had a vast knowledge of many things but Preeclampsia wasn't one of them. Cho wasn't very happy about it, but he did it anyway. He regretted it as soon Jane's face started to look pale.

Kidney failure, strokes, even death, those were the risks for the mother. For the baby, breathing problems and a chance that it might be stillborn. Jane confronted the doctor about not telling him this when they first spoke, to which he replied that he didn't because the chances were slim. Jane took her to the hospital in plenty of time, and the baby would be just a few weeks premature.

He still wasn't convinced and blamed himself for everything that was happening. He brought bad luck to any woman who was close to him and she wasn't an exception. Maybe he should have left her. Let her live a happy life with someone who wasn't as ill fated as him. That would have been the decent thing to do, perhaps, but he was just too damn selfish! A man in love, but selfish nonetheless.

A nurse approached him and said that he could come in, that she was all set and he could say goodbye before she was been taken to the O.R. to have her emergency C-section. He felt uneasy, but he sucked it up and entered. He couldn't be weak and stupid right now. She and the baby needed him. To his surprise, even though she was as worried as him (and in pain as well) she looked hopeful and at peace. He wondered how the hell she did that in a situation like this.

-Because I have you and you are here- she simply replied when he asked. He took her hand and kissed her knuckles. Was her faith so big that she could believe in him even in this situation? She was definitely a remarkable woman, if maybe a bit naïve.

-Everything will be all right. See you and the baby in a few hours,- he said, trying to look relaxed for her sake. It must have worked because while she was being taken out, she didn't seem worried at all.

While he was waiting for news the Rigsbys arrived, and then so did Abbott and the rest of the team. They didn't bring gifts, for which he was grateful. He couldn't bear seeing them if something went wrong.

After a few hours (though it felt more like days or even years), the doctor appeared.

-Congratulations, Mr. Jane. Both of your girls are safe and sound and they want to see you.- he said with a smile.

He could have fainted right there and he almost did since the relief was huge. He couldn't fail his girls right now. If they wanted to see him, well their wishes were his commands. And even if his legs weren't quite cooperating, he ran to follow the doctor.

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><p>Elizabeth Rose Jane was a tiny baby. After all, she was premature and her genes didn't help her with that, but she was healthy, beautiful and far as anyone could tell, she was happy. Her delivery was stressful, though, and now Teresa had to deal with some of the effects of her preeclampsia -like a newfound hypertension. But the smiley bundle of joy in her arms was worth all of the worry and pain.<p>

And even if after all these years, she couldn't actually read Patrick's mind, she was sure he was thinking the same thing while taking a picture of the both of them with his phone.

-Look at daddy, Lizzie. Look at me,- he said to their daughter with a huge smile. -Auntie Grace will kill me if I don't send her a new picture of you.-

-She will not,- Teresa replied, -but she will surely be offended. It's been what, a whole week since the last one?-

-Well, it's not like I'm complaining. I love to take pictures of my beautiful girls, but she is a too-proud godmother at times…-

After getting the perfect picture and sending it immediately, Patrick sat next to her and took Lizzie in his arms. She was two months old and it seemed that her hair was going to stay dark. He wasn't sure about her eyes though. Sometimes they looked like his and sometimes like Teresa's. Well, only time would tell. Besides, he thought she was already the most beautiful girl in the world (just like her mommy), so it didn't matter if they shared the same eyes or not. He took Lizzie's bunny plush and started to play with her while she laughed and make giggling sounds as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

Patrick was so absorbed that he only got distracted when he heard a camera click next to him.

-I thought that the photography session was over for the day,- he joked, while Teresa lowered her phone and checked how the picture came out.

-Well, this time you both are in it.-

-Why? She's worth all the attention, not me.-

-Meh, let me decide that,- she said, imitating his dismissive tone. He smiled and reached out until she was next to him, cuddling the three of them together.

As he started to rumble about the plans he had for them since she quit the FBI a few weeks ago, she thought about what she said some time ago to that woman:

"_It's scary, though. I don't know what's gonna happen or if he's gonna stick around."_

Even if her fears were justified, she was being silly. He was insecure and still a runner in some ways (for example, when Lizzie reminded him of Charlotte too much, he was mentally absent for half of hour or so until he talked to her about it), but he would never leave her. Especially since Lizzie was with them now. He said it was his selfish part speaking when they talked about it, but Teresa knew better. He was just a good man and he loved them so much, that was all… and she wouldn't want it any other way.

-…and since Abbott unfroze all my old accounts as a welcome present for Lizzie, we have more than enough for the rest of our lives. But still, I'd love to invest it in a small business so it doesn't feel like we are using tainted money. Maybe a teashop would be a good idea? Or even a gun range for you? The possibilities are endless…-

-Yes, they are - she said, closing her eyes and listening the breathing of her two favorite people in the world. Indeed, the possibilities were endless. She was glad, however, that it was totally certain that he wasn't going anywhere. That was a good thing to be sure.

xxx

THE END


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